being the 'strong' one gone wrong

faith, testimonies, words of the year, and the truth

(***trigger warning: of suicidal ideation)

Every December, I write a letter to myself that I read the following December. Usually it’s an encouragement and when I started this about a decade ago, I would ‘declare’ some things in it and I found when I would open and read the letter a year later - the things I declared that didn’t come to pass actually really affected how I ended that year and entered into the next one.

There’s a real wrestle around ‘declaring’ and ‘decreeing’ things because on the one hand scripture talks about Jesus giving us authority (see Luke 10) but sometimes having a theology of declaring and decreeing can take that authority and confuse it with faith. Faith is not relying on the authority or power we have been given by God but submitting in the authority and power of God Himself.

So now, my end of the year letters to myself include a lot of encouragement for the next year and maybe something I’m hoping for or having faith for in the coming year but I’m very mindful of how I word it in my letter as to make room for God to do anything with what I’m hoping for.

Photo by Oksana Berko on Unsplash

I just read the letter I wrote to myself in December 2024 and 2 things really stood out to me from it:

1. I prayed for myself that I would stop wanting to stop living

2. I prayed I would be basking in God’s provision through a new home.

In early 2023, I had a moment of no longer wanting to live anymore and I couldn’t shake it and even contacted a suicide hotline to get some support for those few days (which was really affective and helpful and it’s disgusting that the President terminated the option for LGBTQ+ youth to have their own line on the hotline. Regardless of anyone’s theology, care that is centered around our lived experience is essential to our well being and dignity). I didn’t take any action towards it but I did feel it. I don’t know if we are supposed to say (or in this case write) this out loud but I’m one of those ‘strong’ friends that people don’t tend to check in on as much because it seems like I’m fine or my faith is strong. I think this is especially true now that I’m a Pastor as well. But the thing about being a ‘strong’ person is likely that we’ve lived a life where we know how to keep going and be resilient but it doesn’t mean we’re necessarily ‘strong’ but rather we keep going despite life, and maybe that isn’t such a ‘good’ thing.

Then, in late 2023, something incredibly devastating came to light in my family that really rattled my life. It shook my faith and hope and understanding in God’s goodness, love, and protection. I’m still wrestling with it now but differently. So 2023, was very emotional for me and the emotional rollercoaster of uncertainty, devastation, and weariness packed her bags into 2024 and found a home there too.

So, when I say to myself in my letter from December 2024 that “I prayed for myself that I would stop wanting to stop living” - I really did want that for myself. At the very beginning of this year, He was king and enough and quick enough to answer this prayer in a special way. A friend who also had a devastating 2024, with loss after loss had a miracle happen to her in the beignning of January and the day she told me that is when I began to say ‘God is good’ again after struggling to say it in 2023 and 2024. Instead, I was often saying ‘God is kind’ but that miracle and testimony revived something in me - which this a reminder to share your testimonies and miracles. It may be the very thing someone else needs to hear.

“They conquered him
by the blood of the Lamb
and by the word of their testimony”

- Revelation 12:11

In 2025, there have been still moments that the thought and feeling have come up because while it has been a year of wild miracles it has also been a year of great exhaustion emotionally, relationally, financially, spiritually, physically, and mentally.

When I think back at 2025, I think of my phrase for the year. Each year, I pray about a word or phrase to engage in throughout the year that I feel God is inviting me to lean into. For 2025 it was, decrease (I wrote about it on substack earlier in the year). And really it was centered around the scripture John 3:30 where John the Baptist says,

“He must increase, but I must decrease.”

And when I look back at the choosing of that word it feels like God’s kindness leading me to it. To get out of my own way. To not have to ‘keep going’ and be the ‘strong’ person in the room. To believe miracles aren’t just for others but can be for me to. To not try to strive or hustle for what we need but trust in His provision. To decrease my commitments and make room for my flourishing and well being. To let others pray for me, nourish me, support me, love me, and carry me. To let God be God and allow myself to be a human that falls, sins, and has weaknesses with no shame. To make room for hobbies and things that don’t require my leadership, gifts, or theological knowledge like lego buildings and book nooks.

To not have to be the strong one but just be a daughter.

and all of this has led me to my word for 2026….

TRUST.

So much of my striving, suicidal ideation, and spiritual exhaustion was from a place of trusting in my own strength, the worlds version of success, and this non-sedentary culture we live but the answer is actually trusting in God.

Although I’m a pastor, currently in seminary, and have been a Christian for majority of my life - trusting God has never been 100%. It has always been with it’s disclaimers and excuses when it comes to me but I think it’s time. It’s time to live in the actual liberation that comes with salvation and part of that liberation is trusting in the One who sacrificed so I can walk in this liberation.

Alongside a word for the year,

I also always have a scripture for the year and my 2026 one will be 2:

Ultimately, Jesus has indeed been good and kind and as I mentioned previously, we ought to share about the miracles in the middle of the wilderness and this wild world we live in because for so many of us our hope is hanging by a thread but the God of all grace has continued to hold authority and power on earth as it is in heaven.

So here are just 10 (out of many more) miracles from 2025:

• we purchased a home in the Bronx, NY for a price way lower than most houses in the Bronx. The house is fully renovated and was perfect for our inter-generational family. It was in the area we wanted of the Bronx and

• 47 people combined generously gave su $37,000 to help with closing costs of the house. WILD.

• My son’s autistic evaluations went well and they were full of dignity and professionalism (this was very different than our experience with his first evaluation in 2023)

• I entered my last year of seminary (a real miracle because it’s been so hard to do all I do on top of seminary)

• Sowers Summit 2025 did not leave me and my family in financial deficit (like previous years) and people there experienced divine deliverance

• I got ordained as a pastor at my church (a wild miracle for a girl who has a crazy story of leaving the church at 17 and smoking lots of weed and having an abortion and being promiscuous and believing in lots of other idols/deities for years and a whole lot of other things until I retuned to Jesus)

• My amazing and healthy church launched this year. My church is an actual miracle. There’s no place like it in the world and I can’t believe I get to call it home (Renovation City Church)

• God provided financially for our family in wild and often unexpected ways. Being an entrepreneur and author is so hard and God has been Jehovah Jireh in all of it.

• After several rejections from local schools because of space and his special needs, we found a school by ‘accident’ and they had 1 spot left 1 week before schools started here in NYC and he got the spot.

• I’m hosting an event next year that I’m planning for and spaces in NYC cost a bajillion dollars and one space I was looking at was going to cost $19,000 and then later they emailed me saying they want to support my ministry and they brought that cost down to $6000 and now I get to host Sowers Selah 2026 at a price that could help people come that is affordable/accessible

Life is hard and weighty AND God is good and kind and I will praise Him for Him for it.

If it’s not a practice of yours, I encourage you to write a letter to yourself this week that you’ll read next December. I write in in my journal so I know where I can find it a year later. Perhaps this practice can be a balm to your heart or an invitation to just be softer with yourself as you navigate a world that is opposite of that while living under the wing of a God who holds you close and carries you in the dark. Not sure how long we are gonna be here on this ghetto earth but while we are here, we deserve to be well and not just the ‘strong’ one. Amen?

Do you already have a word for 2026? did you have one in 2025? what came up for you when you read these words? are these scriptures resonating? would love to hear from you in the comments below <3

your fellow sanctuary, Pricelis Dominguez

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